The OTHER Five Rules

I watched the Mikester’s video last night, the one with the five rules to success at U4Prez, and as I partook, I kept thinking of that Mel Brooks movie, HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART ONE. There is a scene, the Ten Commandments, where Mel is portraying Moses as a crotchety old Brooklyn Jew, and as he stands before the people of Israel, tablets in hand, one of them drops and crashes where he stood, and as this happens, he says, “The Lord Jehovah has given you these fifteen… (drop) Oy… ten, TEN COMMANDMENTS!”

That’s what I felt when I saw Mduminiak, one of the dirtiest candidates in U4Prez history, get on video, get in your face, and tell YOU how YOU need to run YOUR campaign, so you could be just like him. The irony was oozing from my screen, was it oozing from yours? I wouldn’t call it hypocrisy, that word is bandied about all too often, usually by the Hard Right thugs he employs. It’s been used so often at U4Prez by those goons who merely seek violence, that it holds little of the real force it’s supposed to have. When Jesus calls the Pharisees hypocrites, it means something. When Hawk calls a liberal a hypocrite, people generally chuckle under their breaths.

Anyway, I watched that, not only seeing the subtextual attacks he was making, but also wondering, is this it? He doesn’t stand for ANY of this nonsense. Have fun? Of course he wasn’t having fun when his rating was going down because of his negative campaigning. The only fun I see is when the Hard Right chases off another candidate, THEN they have their fun.

So, in the spirit of wanting to help Mduminiak, here is the first draft of “rules for success” he started with, along with my interpretations on what they mean. He can thank me later.

1. FIND A VERY STRONG CANDIDATE AND BECOME HIS MONKEYBOY. You really don’t have to do much else. When was the last time RogueJew came along and did anything other than burn a liberal in effigy? That’s because, because he chose his master well, he doesn’t have to do anything but be a goon. All you have to do is find someone who has a little merit, and glom onto him. Do everything he does. He goes negative, you go negative. He uses the Liberty Caucus like a punching bag, you use the GOP in the same way when you become leader. Whatever your guru does, defend the practice to the end, watch and learn. You really don’t have to be creative. Just do what he tells you to do. Occasionally, in true mafia fashion, he might ask you to show your loyalty by running an “errand”, which might be to browbeat an antiwar candidate into submission, or run a handful of negative ads you might apologize for the very next day, but the fact that you did it will be enough. Whoever that candidate is, dig into him like a chigger, like a pit bull, like Mike Tyson on Evander Holyfield’s ear. And don’t let go, no matter what. By doing this, you will never have to think for yourself, you can coast almost the entire way, and with a little luck, if the captain of your heart is in good with the creator, you just might get to ride all the way home.

2. CREATE A DETAIL OF LOYAL GOONS TO DO THE DIRTY WORK FOR YOU. According to MDuminiak, if you have been harassed by the same four or five hooligans I keep mentioning on my blog as the notorious Hard Right, if you have been told very lewd things because you are a woman, if you have every intention on running a clean campaign only to let the sophists twists it to their own ends and then laugh as you pick up the pieces, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! Personally, why would you want to deal with such goons anyway? The smart thing would be to quit, because, truly, people, you have better things to do than have the same gang of trolls coming up to you every day, saying the same smarmy things you were getting on every other political message board on the Net, berating you for everything from your ideology to your gender. It’s not worth the aggravation. However, if you do decide to stay, do what MDuminiak did, and assist your master in creating your own goon force. Find the most ruthless characters on the site, befriend them, and let them do the attacking for you. It’s real easy to talk tough when you benefit from six months of violence. Don’t ever forget what Mike says, when the Hard Right is pressing on you, calling you names, twisting logic to suit their needs, and laughing at you for fighting back, YOU CHOSE TO BE A VICTIM! When a Neanderthal candidate talks to a woman about her body and what he would do with it, all that humiliation and frustration she feels, IT’S HER FAULT. Be a winner like Mike chose to be, and get your own goon squad today!

3. PLAY THE DIRTIEST POLITICS POSSIBLE, AND THEN ACT INNOCENT. This takes some doing. Kempite’s not very good at it, Mduminiak is actually a little bit better. Kempite will allow the nastiest things to come flying out of his piehole, and even with all his goons falling on the sword for him, with having Eric Gurr in his back pocket (or front pocket, depending if one or the other feels frisky), he still comes out looking worse than before. I wonder why. I think it’s because the U4Prez population isn’t as stupid as he makes them out to be. I think it’s because it takes a little more than whining after the fact, a little more than playing the victim card, a little more than blaming others, to gloss a situation over. Perhaps an apology—hint hint? Perhaps just a shred of humility? Mike is a little better on this one, and I think it’s because of all the time being second banana has taught him what his place is, in Kempite’s shadow. He has that barest minimum of humility, so he knows how to fake it. When he looks in the camera and talks about how YOU, you worthless little peasant merely trying to get off the ground, need to be positive, it’s because he has spent so much time going after HAK. Copulate. Olivia. Dk08. Dozens of others. Hey, there’s not just one attack video against Copulate, there’s FOUR! Mduminiak put up EIGHT attack videos on me IN ONE NIGHT, took them off when they were no longer politically expedient, then put them back up, along with FIVE MORE SINCE, because Olivia was calling his buddies out for the bullies they are. Truly, there is no one out there more likely to slit your throat than Kempite and Mduminiak, everyone who’s been at U4Prez for any length of time knows this. Better to be at the right hand of the devil than in his path, I guess. Truly, though, if Kempite goes after you—and if you stand up to him, he most assuredly will—he’ll just whine like a girl after the fact. Not Mduminiak. After he lynches you, he has enough sense to tie you to a boulder and throw you in the deepest part of the river, and then act like, there’s no body, you can’t prove a thing.

4. USE ANYTHING AT YOUR DISPOSAL TO GAIN BROWNIE POINTS. Some have proven, there is truly no limit to what you can use to generate not just a positive appearance, but also sympathy and pity. Kempite will use deadly diseases and dead candidates to enhance his agenda. Hedrick sold his soul to the VRWC for thirty pieces of silver, and it might have cost him his integrity and reputation, but he did get in good with the Hard Right, and he did show that mean old Olivia not to play nice with him. Iron Lady will defend her fellow criminals to the end, no matter what they say, no matter how putrid the vomit, no matter if she herself finds it repugnant, so I guess she is willing to use her integrity gleefully for the Hard Right to take turns wiping their asses on. It was Kempite himself who set this tone, that dirty politics is American politics, that anything goes. Pick a virtue and sell it for a vote.

5. EVERY CANDIDATE WHO QUITS IS A STEP UP FOR YOU. Truly, this is a game, and the faster you get someone to quit, the easier it is for you. Once a candidate gets his footing and creates a niche for himself, it’s much harder. But if you put together your goon squad, as recommended in Step #2, it’s a little easier to harass him. Smart candidates usually quit when they realize U4Prez is just another freeper’s paradise, no different than a thousand other political message boards. Never doubt this, not only have the Hard Right knuckledraggers never talked a candidate outside their tidy clique out of resigning, they celebrate when one does. Such parties have been thoroughly documented. Mduminiak can smugly talk about such candidates being weak. I gotta tell you, there is no sport in a game where the object is to be the biggest blithering asshole you can be, and get away with it. Anyone who browbeats others and then tells you you CHOSE to be victimized is downright cruel. Anyone who decides to leave because she is embarrassed and humiliated from unwanted sexual advances, apparently that’s a woman being too weak to hack it. Be that as it may, it’s still cause for the Hard Right to party like it’s 1999!

Now THAT'S a little more honest of a list! You're welcome, Mike.

Now, as a candidate who has fought the many battles on U4Prez and decided to abdicate because they were all in vain, let me give you five tips (not rules, that’s a tyrant for you, always making RULES) that might help you.

1. BE CREATIVE. You always wanted to do this, here you are, your own campaign. Let it all hang out. Try the things you see the big boys doing, or if you have your own million dollar idea, give it a whirl. You are limited only by your own imagination.

2. PICK YOUR ALLIES WISELY. The backstabbing at U4Prez is atrocious, and there is blood on hands you would never think were capable of such a thing.

3. KEEP IT SIMPLE. Don’t exhaust yourself with a separate position for every single fucking issue out there, no one reads all of it. But think of what you truly stand for, what you believe deep in your heart, and let everything you say and do revolve around that point. It’s called focus, and trust me, people will remember you far more for the one principle you hold dear above all others than how you feel about tort reform and abortion and Israel AND health care AND entitlements AND immigration AND yada yada AND…

4. PAY ATTENTION. There are opportunities for exposure all around, and if you find ways to take advantage of them, you can catapult your way to the top in no time, even in just a few days. I’ve seen candidates come in here and light the place up from the get-go, and in literally a week, everyone’s talking about them. Get involved in debates. Watch what the high-profile candidates do, and out-do them.

5. AT THE MOMENT YOU FEEL YOUR DESIRE TO WIN OUTWEIGHS YOUR MORALITY, LEAVE. Too many candidates are here who will say and do anything to bully someone, to make another look bad, to promote themselves in unethical ways. Don’t sell your soul just to get another tenth higher on your rating. Don’t throw other candidates under the bus to make yourself look good. If you find yourself saying and doing the very things you know in your heart are wrong, then you are becoming the very thing you swore you would never be. Many of the people I go after in my blog, they sold themselves out a long time ago, and they are to a point that they think they are truly doing U4Prez a service by sexually harassing the female candidates, by dogpiling on perceived opponents, by using the most twisted logic this side of Rush Limbaugh, and in general, by browbeating you into submission. They’re trying to thin the herd. They’re NeoCons, they don’t like democracy or diversity, they don’t respect differences in opinion. They think they’re doing the place a favor in getting you to quit, and they’ve talked themselves into the notion that if you quit, IT’S YOUR FAULT. Don’t buy into it. If you feel you have to constantly rumble with them, leave. You’ve done exactly what they wanted when you retaliate. You’ve lost your focus, and you are on the road to becoming what you loathe—one of them, someone who will say the meanest and dirtiest thing they can think of to get you to go home, so they can dance on the corpse of your campaign. By all means, challenge them, they’re just a bunch of bullies, you hit them in the nose hard enough, they back away. They’ll come back later, and they’ll talk shit about you behind your back, but you can get them off of you by a show of strength, for the moment. But if you feel you have to sink to their level and stay there, it’s time to go. Whatever you should be doing as you waste your time at U4Prez, it’s better to do that than seeing just how deep in the mud you are willing to go to take on these slugs. Go do it. It’s not worth the time and effort. What does it profit a man to gain the entire world, yet lose his soul?

Oy.